I’ve dealt with my mental health for as long as I can remember. Therapy, tears, processing, and repeat. Medication has been tossed around the conversations to aid in the processing of my childhood. Personally, I’ve been against it. I want to heal holistically, with Christ and by meditation, positive thinking and routines that I can take the lead in.

What happens when these methods don’t silence the madness? When the thoughts don’t stop and they feel unbearable. Add PMS into the mix and its mental torment on steroids.

Growing up I saw medications abused and misused. I vowed to not take anything that would alter my mind or body. When I started walking with Christ, I was most certain that healing would come through salvation… and that alone is sufficient.

Now, don’t misread what I’m saying- God’s grace IS sufficient. I do believe He has the power to heal and transform the weakest of spirits.. AND could medication be one of the avenues He uses to complete the healing this vessel truly needs?

For years I couldn’t even hold space for this conversation because the answer was NO- without debate. Now, at this point in my healing journey, I want rest. I need it.

I spend my days with Christ. I am faithful to my daily devotionals. I attend church every Sunday and serve at my church. I am apart of the women’s groups and recite scripture over myself. I actually believe said scriptures. I write in to the prayer requests and ask for covering in this journey. I go to therapy with a Christian counselor every week. I have a community of faith filled women who see me, love me, carry and cover me. And I still struggle with the intrusive thoughts…

Thoughts that fight to convince me that I am a product of my upbringing. That the life I strive to achieve is unattainable for someone with my story. That my mistakes will overtake me because I am unworthy of the free grace that Jesus died for. Thoughts that say “what if, they knew what you’ve done or what you’ve been through” would they still love me?

I’m told that these thoughts are irrational, irrelevant and my current character supersedes anything I’ve ever done, but sometimes I cannot see past the cloud of doubt that haunts my thoughts.

So, when we speak of medicine in mental health, I am slowly beginning to raise my hand… Maybe it is me who may benefit from the help of a pill. A dose that could balance my hormones, the chemicals within me that blur the lines of my past and my current reality. Maybe one day I could begin to see the life my lived experience has amounted to be. Not one that is a merely as grey as my mind has begun to perceive. But one that is blissful and bright, with love and light. One that the LORD has blessed me to be a part of, but I may only be able to truly experience if I reconsider mental health to include the help of medication.

–Lynn